★ s.h.o.o.t.i.n.g. s.t.a.r. ------★

4.25.2010

for the first time, u have the time to accompany me. the past 3 exams, u were having either local or overseas training. but it still feels like ur having training this time. not getting much sms or calls from u. im still facing the exams alone.

been wanting to study outside everyday. but studying alone is v troublesome. no one to look after ur stuffs when u just need to go and get a quick lunch or toilet break. constantly worried about my belongings.

somehow i just feel v distant from everyone... v v distant. am i distancing myself or ur the one? Adapting to the new changes doesnt mean that I like them. Getting used to it is one thing, liking it is a totally different thing. I still wish that things can go back to how it used to be. Sometimes I feel v v tired. It feels like a one sided affair again. And i have to constantly think of new ideas. Is it really that hard to want to be loved and pampered and get all the attention?

I will always remember my birthday party. The first one. For once, I was the centre of attention. Being the middle child sucks. My grades arent better than my sis and Im not as independent as her. And I cannot just go out as and when I like to have fun coz I have to be a responsible and mature sister to him. I end up being the most boring person in the world. A teacher's pet. A girl who never breaks any rules. A girl who is never special to anyone. A girl who is not indispensible. A girl who is just part of your life and not everything in your life. A fren whom you can always count on when u need help, but never thought of when you have something great to share. A daughter who does everything that the parents want. A gf who would do everything that she can to make him smile and be happy.

For the past semester, I have stayed strong. I do not know where did I get the strength from coz apparently no one knows what am I going through at all. No friends to go to lessons and have lunch with. Every group member have their own cliques. Everyone asks you the same question 'why did u join the class alone? no one to stick with?' NO I DO NOT HAVE ANYONE TO STICK TO. I AM GOING TO MY GRADUATION CEREMONY SITTING ALONE! I am sure that people will be so happy to hear this (to those who hate my guts and temper!). What did I get out of this education? Seriously nothing. I don't even remember what have I studied in my past semesters. woohoo! i paid 21k to torture myself. One wrong move from the start and you will be lonely for the rest of your uni life. How cool is that? When I look back on my uni life, I have lots of regrets. But there is nothing that I can do anymore. After this exam, my uni life will officially end. No more turning back and no more things that I can do to salvage the situation. Thanks NTU. It was a 'MEMORABLE' experience.

If I have the time, Im sure that i can write a 5k words essay on this. Bottling up these feelings for 2 years is no joke. Who would have expected me to end up using blog to talk about my feelings? There is supposed to be a fren (other than bf) who would listen to these. Sadly, I do not have that.

Suck thumb and move on. :(

smile

4/25/2010